When life mellows you

 When I look back at my posts 20 years ago, sometimes I cannot help remarking how cynical I was about everything that's supposed to be working in favor of a typical youngster in 20s- corporate career, job changes, MBA, networking, parties and even a committed relationship.

There was this weird sense of restlessness and emptiness- a feeling when you apparently have everything but are still not satisfied. 

I would criticize my work, Bangalore and even India! 

But today, in retrospect, I realize that these have overtime become the very pillar of my existence.

Bangalore gave me an opportunity to restart my career when I felt I had lost everything, India welcomed me with open arms when my off-shore stint came to an abrupt and unpalatable end, my work helped me find back my confidence and my calling.

I am thankful but still yearn for more. 

That sense of 'not yet achieved my potential' continues to haunt me. What next is the question that continues to pester me. 

What's my purpose? What's my calling? What will make ME feel pride of having really build something valuable- the pride I felt when I created my first Tachometer at IIT-G or the thrill I experienced when I coded my first processor and successfully ran machine program on it at VLSI Lab in NIT-T. 

Will I reach there at all? What it takes to do that? I am still figuring it out and to think I expect my 17-year old daughter to have clarity!

Well, such is life. While on one hand we portray ourselves as an expert for those dependent on us for decision-making, on the other we also constantly try to find our own footing.